Awkward…to say the least.

So on Monday night, babytooth and I hit the gym. We got there and checked in, and headed back to the ellipticals (it always works out that we get the same machines every time. Last two, all the way in the back.) We get started and are just chatting away, when I turn to ask her if she’s caught up on The Following, when her face falls. I give her a strange look and look in the direction she’s looking and see nothing when she says “Ummm, I think z just walked in” My world stopped. I said  “What?? Where?” “Over there, hanging up his keys..” I lean on to the next (unused, thank goodness.) machine and just see part of his arm. Sure enough there he is, the ex-boyfriend I thought I would marry, in the flesh. I only had to see his arm to know it was him. We had just started our workout, like barely 10 minutes in. Now what? I stood on my machine for a good two minutes, not talking, not breathing, my heart was on the floor, as babytooth tried to cheer me up and say nice things (all of which, I can’t recall.) So what was I to do now…leave? finish our workout? just stay on this machine while babytooth does legs? I haven’t seen him in exactly 5 months (literally, to the day…) and the last time I saw him, we were both crying and he was leaving, now here I was in a stupid teeny ponytail (note; short hair plus side bangs does not make for a good ponytail), not looking cute at all, and in my gym clothes, not exactly the first post breakup run in I had imagined. Finally our 30 minutes on the ellipticals are up, which felt like a lifetime, and now we’re left with the dreaded walk past where he is. He was doing arms, so there was no way to avoid him. We hop off our machines and make our plan, we’re gonna to go to the locker room and re-group. Do I walk first? Does babytooth walk first and make jokes so I can laugh? As we’re walking past where he is, I looked the opposite way praying I didn’t bump into anything and make small talk with btooth. We get into the locker room and make our game plan to walk to the back of the gym, where the leg machines are. Babytooth asks me if I’d like to put my earbuds in and listen to music while we walk by him to which I responded “No, I need my ears” (I’d like to admit here that I was not in the best mind set, I said some crazy things on the elliptical durning the longest 30 minutes of my life..) And then we set out to do it. As we’re walking out of the locker room, and to my impending doom, I said “This has to be what it’s like when you’re walking into a war zone” and that’s honestly the last thing I remember. I did think to myself “Shit, do we walk in front of him between him and the mirror? Or behind him?” Thank god babytooth took the lead and lead us behind him. I was literally a foot away from him, I just kept looking forward. Next thing I know babytooth and I were in the back corner of the gym and I was making a funny remark about his sweatpants. I had done it. I had seen my ex, whom I still miss terribly and I just walked right on by him. I didn’t cry (until we were in the car, and then when I told my dad, and then when I was attempting to fall asleep, but the good part was I didn’t cry at the gym.) Babytooth did her first set of squats while I cursed the gym’s playlist (honestly, it was terrible, they played everything from ‘Tainted Love’ to ‘Somebody That I Used To Know’ to ‘I Want You Back’, like REALLY?!?!) and stared at him using the mirror. We switched and babytooth kept me laughing during my set. After I was done, I looked back to where he was and he was gone. Like vanished. Homeboy dipped out on his own work out. I said to btooth “He left?” to which she replied “Yeah, it looks like he didn’t even put his weights away..” So the awkward situation was over. I still felt horrible, I seriously wanted to throw up. This for sure wasn’t the way I had planned our first time seeing each other (in my mind, I would be looking fab, like best outfit, best makeup, best hair ever and would be laughing and married. Okay, not married, but at least I’d be looking too die.) After seeing him, I felt like all the progress I’ve made in the past 5 months (which isn’t a whole hell of a lot, but I don’t cry everyday. So I assume that’s something, right?) I try to tell myself that the person I was in love with is dead, he wouldn’t have left me, that’s what gets me through my bad days, and for the most part it works. But last night, it was hard to tell myself that when there he was (or at least his body was there.) This breakup has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, it doesn’t seem to get easier, when everyday there’s something to remind me, but I’ll keep holding my head high and putting my best foot forward at moving on. And next time I go to the gym? I’ll be looking my very best. Looks like I need new gym clothes, blotting wipes to get rid of the sweat, and extensions to make a better ponytail. Xo

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One thought on “Awkward…to say the least.

  1. Pingback: work it out. | keep calm & blog on

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